Here we go!

Okay, I've decided to start a blog. How many blogs have started with those words, huh?

I'm thinking blogging will be cathartic for me. And, I'm really in the need of a catharsis. Four weeks ago tomorrow (September 26), my husband of 17 years told me he was "going to live on his own for a while." Our daughter (15 years old) and I had just returned from a cruise to the Mexican Riviera that very day. He told me he'd checked into a hotel already. Within about 20 minutes, I'd told him to leave. Shortly after he left, I began to cry. But, that was quickly replaced by a need to do something physical...and destructive. Well, the perfect opportunity presented itself as my eyes fell on what we had been referring to as the "chair carcass." I had recently replaced my husband's very-old-recliner with a brand new leather version and we'd been just too lazy to make a run to the dump and I'd been dismantling the carcass for about two weeks. Well, we were down to the difficult part that required beating and hammering and sawing. Perfect. Of note, the husband had offered to finish the job, but, as usual, he never got around to it. Typical.

You may be wondering at this point why my husband (we'll start calling him "S" because it really grates on me to continue calling him "my husband") didn't go on the cruise with us. Well, he isn't that crazy about cruising. Seriously? Yes. I just can't imagine not liking cruising, but he informed me after about five family cruises that cruising just wasn't his "thing." Okay, I can respect that, but did it really take FIVE cruises to realize this?? Since we'd reserved a rather expensive stateroom (with a huge balcony!) this time, he felt that since cruising isn't his thing, it would be a waste of $$ for him to go with us. Fine. Just so you know, I (and my daughter) absolutely LOVE cruising. I mean, what's not to love? Being pampered for seven days? Someone else doing the cooking, cleaning, and making of the beds? Never hearing the words "Mom, I'm bored!"?? If he doesn't like that, well that's just his loss. I really wasn't alarmed that he didn't want to go with us because he doesn't get out much. More on that later.

Okay, back to the point. He left that night and I began my journey of rediscovery. I call it "re-"discovery because I think over the 17 years of our marriage I'd lost some of myself. In the few years before we married in 1993, I'd "discovered" myself for the first time in my life. I was about 34 years old when we met and had started having flashbacks of my childhood just a few years before. I was sexually, emotionally, verbally, and physically abused. It took me until I was in my early 30s to deal with it, and it was after going through two years of therapy that I was finally able to love myself and actually allow someone else to love me. That was S. Sheesh. But, that's enough of the woes of my childhood. I emerged a stronger and more self-confident woman and met the man I thought was "the love of my life." Yep, how's that for a cliche??

It's been a roller coaster since August 29. I've cried, I've felt relieved, I've been somewhat angry, and I've finally refound my focus--those first couple of weeks at work were difficult. Then, last Sunday evening I learned that S was having an affair. I hadn't really considered this much of a possibility since he's suffered from a major depressive disorder for many years. He didn't take showers for weeks on end and did pretty much nothing 98% of the time. How in hell could he be having an affair??? Well, it had started a few months before with his reconnection with a woman he'd known about 30 years ago. How did they reconnect? On Facebook. Gotta love social media, huh? While our darling daughter (known from here on as "DD") and I were on a much-needed vacation, he decided to travel to Texas and meet up with the ho. In short, he brought her back to Oregon and they started shacking up even before I set foot back on American soil. Learning of this affair just ripped everything open again. After three weeks, I'd started doing better. I hadn't cried in three days and I was actually feeling positive about life in general. Well, that was short-lived when one of my stepdaughters called me to tell me she'd learned of the affair. Wow.

S had known for 17 years that the worst thing he could do to me was to have an affair. And, that's just what he did. Where did all this hostility come from? Obviously, I'm going to need to delve into that to figure out what my part in this betrayal is, but I can say without reservation that I would not have ever done the same to him. Just ask him--he'll tell you I'm the most loyal and consistent person he's ever met. Ah well, a lot of good that did me.

Okay, I think that's as much as I can do for a first blog entry. I'll add more later and track the journey. I'm hoping this will help someone else who's going through a similar situation. If not, it may help me to just get it all out. If you've read this far, thank you.