Karma. It Really Is a Bitch

About 7:30 yesterday morning I got a call from Whori's husband letting me know he was flying in that day to get her and take her home. She'd let him know she'd changed her mind. LCB was devastated. Unfortunately, my almost two-decade history with him prevents me from actually laughing. How lovely that he can be that devastated by the disintegration of such a short "relationship" and not by our 17-year marriage. 

I painted the kitchen. Looks great. I'll tackle the living room tomorrow. Physical labor is a great form of therapy. :-)

Merry Christmas, My Friends!

I expected yesterday and today to be difficult. They weren't. I've actually had one of the best Christmases I've had in years. DD and I are all about making new traditions this year. Last night, about 9:00, we went on a light hunt. Light hunts are a Christmas tradition for DD and me since she was just a tiny little thing, but last night was the first one we've done on Christmas Eve. I'm sure it's obvious what that is, but just in case, I'll explain. We simply drive around and look for Christmas lights. Last night's hunt went on for more than an hour and we were both content to simply be together and enjoy multi-colored lights like two little kids. :-) For the past 17 years, our usual Christmas Eve dinner has been pepperoni pizza (that was a change from my childhood in which we always had clam chowder). Well, we decided to have white chili instead, and it was a lovely change.

Another new thing for us: we waited until this morning to open presents. This is the first time in 52 years that I haven't opened presents on Christmas Eve, and it felt good to change it up. After opening presents (oh, and the first time in many years I've had more than one present to open and not known what I was getting! My girl did a great job picking out meaningful gifts--she knows me so well), we got ourselves ready and drove across town to the Loaves and Fishes Meals on Wheels Belmont Center to deliver meals to homebound seniors. Wow. What a great experience! We both loved it and look forward to doing it again. I'm so proud of my girl.

Let's reverse for just a second. My sweet girl picked out some beautiful Swarovski chrystal penguins for me and wrote "Ode to Mother" in her Creative Writing class which she included with the gift (complete with a graphic of mother and baby penguins; apparently penguin mommies are great mothers :-)). Here's the ode. Yes, my heart filled right up and I cried when I read it. And, notice the appropriately hyphenated compound adjective "mother-daughter." That's my girl!

Ode to Mother

Keeping me sane

Your undying love comforting my dreams

Trusting and understanding

Oh, how you make me feel loved

The mother-daughter relationship is strong,

But our friendship is like no other

You are absolute perfection

Loving me no matter the roadblock

Even if father doesn’t understand, you do

Topping my intelligence by a lifetime

You are my best friend

Guiding my way past the pain

You are everything a daughter could ask for

Making up for his absence

Don’t be sorry, don’t cry,

He is never worth your pain

Just you and me now

We are the perfect team

Keeping me sane

Comforting my dreams

I love you

As my friends, you already know that my biggest concern is how DD is doing and whether I'm helping or hindering her making it through this with as little trauma as possible. Does she have a way with words or what? Tears in my eyes again.

So, it's been a lovely Christmas and I'm happy to say there's an end in sight. LCB and I have reached a settlement agreement--he reneged and then a couple days ago apologized for being such an ass (his words) and the deal is back on. His attorney is writing it up and should get it to my attorney the 3rd or 4th. If we stay on track, I should be a single woman by the end of March and financially detached from him by the end of April. That's right: no spousal support. No child support either, but he's the one who's got to live with that one. So, I'm sleeping again and looking forward to the passage of the next few months. We'll see if he sticks to it (yes, I made him sign it). I'm not holding my breath, but I'm hopeful.

Thank you, again, for the emotional support, for being an ear when I need one, for caring about my pain. I'm coming out the other side and optimistic about my future. Oh, and I'm painting the living room, kitchen and downstairs bathroom this week. Change is good.

Sorry for the break!

Okay, ladies. My apologies for letting so much time pass since my last post. Today is, as my friend Tiffiny pointed out, a milestone. It's exactly three months since LCB walked out the door. I expected today to be like any other, so imagine my surprise when it ended up being one of the most difficult days I've had in at least six weeks. I'm feeling a bit blindsided. Sigh.

Since I last posted, LCB has gone from being somewhat civil to totally vicious to really nice. How's that for consistency? Ha. I've been called--brace yourself--a pig, fat, a failure, a drunk, a drug user, an unfit mother, and he dug as low as he could go and called me a child molester. I must admit I have been shocked by his behavior. These names were all in response to the settlement offer I mentioned in my last couple of posts. I'm thinking he was insulted by it. Anyway, I made another settlement offer about a week and a half ago, significantly upping it, and he found that insulting as well. Oh, and I feel really, really good about this: he apologized for all the names he called me and told me he knows they aren't true. It was very meaningful to me. What a schmuck! I've never understood people who think they can say whatever they want and then apologize for it. The damage is done.

LCB is taking DD out to dinner tonight. P.F. Chang's was DD's choice; since it's the first time in three months her father's made any effort to spend time with her, I'm thinking she should get to eat where ever she'd like. My youngest stepdaughter is meeting them there. She hasn't seen him since Father's Day. She came here for Thanksgiving (we had a great time, BTW). She also offered once again to have a chat with judge on my behalf. I'll talk with my attorney--we may just take her up on that.

Anyway, when LCB picked up DD this evening, he told me he needs access to information he used to have access to. What do you mean by that, says I. Your 401k and stuff, says he. I let him know the court will require me to provide that information. I don't see my giving it to him any sooner than I need to. He also complained that I never leave him room in the driveway. Don't see that happening anytime soon either. :-)

The magical time has passed and I now have the money for my attorney's retainer and an appointment at the end of the week. I guess I'll find out then how long it takes to actually file and serve the papers after I give him the go-ahead, which will be on Friday.


LCB is coming over tomorrow to get some more of the equipment he needs for his business. I'm so not looking forward to that. Wish me luck. 


Cheers.

He Actually Showed Some Spine! Who Knew?

It didn't go well with S. He is determined to get half my retirement and stock and also wants spousal support. I guess there's no pride there. So, it looks like this will be more expensive than I'd hoped. He even said he's going to "make a list of all your responsibilities that you didn't fulfill." By that he means I didn't clean and cook enough. What is this...1950?  Gee, one would think being the breadwinner for the family might be the main focus for me since he wasn't fulfilling "his responsibilities" by bringing home the bacon. Ah well. My attorney said he can definitely make a case that S isn't entitled to half of my retirement and stock since he didn't contribute as one would expect a stay-at-home spouse to contribute. 


S has now completely abandoned DD and in his deluded thinking is justified in doing so since he perceives that I'm "turning her against him." Paranoia reigns supreme. 

I should have the money for my attorney's retainer pulled together in about five or six weeks and will very happily give him instructions to serve the papers. 


On a happier note, DD is taking photography and is sooooo excited about it. Last night she set up some candles and did some experimenting with long exposures. It was so much fun to watch her get all excited about the results. Ah, my mama-heart is just bursting.


That's it for now. I'm looking forward to my weekend. Yay! I love you girls! :-)





Weight loss to date on the my-husband's-a-lying-cheating-bastard diet: 21 pounds. How do you like me now? ;-)

Tomorrow's the Day

Okay, I've gone through all the bills, I've written a proposal for a settlement and I've asked S to talk tomorrow. Silly boy, he thinks he's coming over to discuss open enrollment for my benefits plan at work.

Wish me luck.



Weight loss to date on the my-husband's-a-lying-cheating-bastard diet: 20 pounds. How do you like me now? ;-)

Wow. This is News!

I had my second attorney consultation this afternoon. The first one was last week and I walked away feeling not at all confident in the attorney. This time, however, I felt like this guy really knows what he's doing and he has the experience to back it up. So, he started by letting me know that he was there to answer all my questions and that, hopefully, I would leave feeling at least a little bit better than I felt walking in. Well, that may have been the best $50 I've spent in my entire life! :D

Ken let me know that not only should I NOT be paying S and his slut's rent (and that no one in his right mind would expect me to be paying it!) but that HE should be paying half the mortgage and other joint bills. Well, how 'bout dat?!? I know, I know, all of my girlfriends have been telling me for weeks that I'm crazy to continue putting $$ in the joint account, but I just couldn't bring myself to completely cut him off. Yes, there's 17 years of history. Anyway, I've already moved my paycheck to my personal account and now I'll take over paying the bills and he can figure out how he's going to pay his rent. As Ken said, maybe he should get an income. LOL.

There were other revelations during the consultation, but that one was, by far, the  best news. So, payday is this week, so I'll have to let S know the news and, yes, he'll be very angry, but that's life. You're 52 years old and you chose this. I didn't. There are consequences in this life. 

On another topic, we got a cat about six years ago because we had a mouse problem in our old house. We'd tried everything to get rid of them, but finally had to get a cat. Enter McGonagal (Maggie for short). She took care of the problem post haste.  But, S bitched about her for six years. Well, he is allergic to cats, I'll give him that. A little cathartic move on DD's on my part: we adopted Kevin today. He's totally awesome. And gorgeous. And sweet. And lovable. Check him out:

Ah. Sweet boy.

Just a Note

This one will be short and sweet, but I just wanted to do a shout out to my dear, wonderful, incredibly strong, beautiful girlfriends...Heather, Cheryl, Dita, Christine, and Susan. You've each had a ready ear for my venting over the past month, and I can't tell you how that's helped me!


I spent a few hours with Heather and Cheryl tonight, and, ladies, your company and comments were a balm to my soul. I love you!


Off to bed. I'll try to revisit this weekend. But, I do have acupuncture and I'm making drapes and sorting through some of S's stuff to get it out of my house. It's going to be a busy weekend. Yay!

One month...and I'm still kicking!

Well, today's a month since S dropped the bomb. Over the last couple of days as I've been thinking about it, I realize that I don't miss him. I don't miss the depression; I don't miss the complaining; I don't miss the criticizing. I just don't miss him. So, why is this so tough? Light bulb moment for me: it's the way he ended it. To have an affair and jump right from my bed to hers--to do the one thing he knew would hurt me the most--that's what makes me feel so bad about myself, embarrassed, humiliated, betrayed, disrespected.

I took a huge step today. I had a consultation with a family law attorney. I learned some important things, not the least of which was that I'm under no obligation to continue supporting him and his whore (why does it feel so good to call her that?? LOL). Now, if I chose to close the joint account and not give him a dime, it could come back to haunt me if we end up in court, and I'm sure if I did that we would end up in court. I'd also make an enemy of him, and to be honest, he's been my best friend for 17 years and I really don't want him to be my enemy. But, I don't want to continue feeling screwed either. 


Lots of thinking to do. 

Okay, I know I said I was going to wait until next week to weigh again, but I couldn't resist. I got on the scale this morning and was excited to see I've now dropped 16 pounds. Not bad for a month, huh? Not the easiest way to accomplish it, but it's nice to look down and see a flatter stomach. Yay me!

Another pic from vacation...

 DD and I rode ATVs on Migrino Beach (about 25 miles north of Cabo San Lucas. It was great and a big victory for me with my back issues and the arthritis in my knee. But, I proved to myself I can do more than I thought I could. :-)

NOW he's interested in counseling???

So, S and I had our session with DD's counselor this afternoon. There were several topics of note. First of all, it was all quite civil. That's just how we tend to do things. Though, at one point I commented that I've lost 14 pounds and looked at him and asked "do you want to know what I named my diet?" He said, "What? The Divorce Diet." I just laughed and said, "No, the my-husband's-a-lying-cheating-bastard diet." I can get snarky. He laughed though, which didn't surprise me because he does have a good sense of humor. But, that really is the name of my diet. Ask any of my friends. They'll tell you. LOL

The first think S said that floored me and that I believe will be good for my healing process was, "I know I've done J a terrible, horrible wrong." There's nothing earth shattering there--he HAS done me a terrible, horrible wrong. What floored me was that he said it to another person. He told me he's wronged me, but to hear him say to someone else was good. 

Another item of note was that he indicated an interest in counseling. Seriously??? Now, I'm not a naggy wife in any sense of the word (I guess I should start getting used to referring to the "wife era" of my life in the past tense), but I have suggested on occasion the last 14 or 15 years that S would get a lot out of counseling. All I've ever heard in response is either laughter or his laundry list of why counselors are relatively useless, even when I was mental health therapist. Whatever. After the session, I asked him about it and he said he was serious that he'd like to get some help. Is it bad that that makes me angry? I really do think he would get a lot out of it and that it would help him with his depression and dealing with some things in his past that he's never really dealt with in any serious or in depth way. But, why now? Has this ho made him think clearly all of a sudden? Is she worth dealing with his issues--and I wasn't? It just pisses me off that he'll do something now that he's always been firmly against--something that would have been good for our family. Ah well. I don't want him back even if he actually gets his $hit together emotionally, but it still pisses me off. I'm entitled.

I was pretty amazed to hear him talk about his relationship with DD. He told the counselor that she's angry with him now but that previous to his abandoning his family for a ho (my words, not his ;-)), they had a good relationship...they talked, and joked, and went places like the zoo together. Wow. He completely forgot the part about how they haven't gone to the zoo or anyplace else for, gosh, I'm thinking at least a year, that he's yelled at her several times even though she's not a kid that needs to be yelled at (she's always responded to just a look--yell at this girl and you damage her) and she's scared of him and always, always afraid of setting him off, and that she spends every night up in her room and rarely ventures downstairs. Well, she does now--now she spends pretty much every evening downstairs. Shame on me for not leaving him! Sheesh.

I think I've talked about this as much as I--or anyone else for that matter--can take at this point. Thanks for sticking with me this far. :-)

Tomorrow's my first counseling session. I'm looking forward to it. Her name is Stacey. Though my biggest focus right now is my darling daughter (DD, you know), I need some me time, too. I'm thinking I can talk with Stacey about how to get through this whole thing with my sanity intact and not having cut S off at the knees. 

And, I made an appointment with our on-site massage therapist. His first opening is Oct 13, but I'm sure my shoulders will still be in knots then.

Here are a couple pics of DD from vacation. What a sweetie.

This is in front of a photo mural of all the famouse people who've sailed on the Queen Mary.

She really is just as sweet as she looks. What a doll-baby my DD is. :-)

 

Worked my butt off and it's back to the grind tomorrow

This weekend has been a roller coaster. We have a big order for S's business and all his equipment is still here at the house. He's been in and out all weekend getting the order produced. I definitely need to see him less regularly. But, I've gotten a lot done--the raging emotions have driven me to physical labor. Ha! So, lots and lots of cleaning and furniture moving. I helped S load the couch to take it over to the apartment where he's shacked up with the ho. That allowed me to get the treadmill into the livingroom for DD to start her exercise program. I know the livingroom is not the greatest place for the treadmill, but it works for us...for now. 

Prepped the dining room to be painted and am ready to get that done tomorrow afternoon. And then I can start on the drapes for the patio door. This will happen after a counseling session for S and me with DD's counselor. That should be interesting. It's all about DD and not about the two of us so hopefully that's where we'll keep our focus. Then all three of meet with the counselor on Wednesday. DD wants to talk with her father and tell him how she's feeling. She's got a lot of anger built up right now, so that one should be interesting.

I talked with S on one of his many visits this weekend and told him all of this didn't have to be this bad. But, because of their weak, irresponsible, selfish decision, it's so much worse than it should have been. I can accept that he doesn't love me anymore and that he's happier without me. What I can't get through yet (but, believe me, I will get through it!) is the way he went about it. He didn't have to sneak and lie and humiliate me. He has to live with that choice and my anger for that choice. 

I find it remarkably strange that S could go from me (who's pretty healthy emotionally) to this extremely dysfunctional woman. He's told me about how her family is treating her (well, as much as I will allow him to tell me--I really don't care to know anymore about her than I already do, thank you very much) and he actually thanked me for teaching him so much throughout our marriage about how to deal with things in a healthy manner. Well, bully for me. Sheesh.

Weight loss since August 29: 14 pounds. At least that's a side benefit! I call it the my-husband's-a-lying-cheating-bastard diet. It's working really well. I think I'll wait until the end of the week to weigh again.

Here we go!

Okay, I've decided to start a blog. How many blogs have started with those words, huh?

I'm thinking blogging will be cathartic for me. And, I'm really in the need of a catharsis. Four weeks ago tomorrow (September 26), my husband of 17 years told me he was "going to live on his own for a while." Our daughter (15 years old) and I had just returned from a cruise to the Mexican Riviera that very day. He told me he'd checked into a hotel already. Within about 20 minutes, I'd told him to leave. Shortly after he left, I began to cry. But, that was quickly replaced by a need to do something physical...and destructive. Well, the perfect opportunity presented itself as my eyes fell on what we had been referring to as the "chair carcass." I had recently replaced my husband's very-old-recliner with a brand new leather version and we'd been just too lazy to make a run to the dump and I'd been dismantling the carcass for about two weeks. Well, we were down to the difficult part that required beating and hammering and sawing. Perfect. Of note, the husband had offered to finish the job, but, as usual, he never got around to it. Typical.

You may be wondering at this point why my husband (we'll start calling him "S" because it really grates on me to continue calling him "my husband") didn't go on the cruise with us. Well, he isn't that crazy about cruising. Seriously? Yes. I just can't imagine not liking cruising, but he informed me after about five family cruises that cruising just wasn't his "thing." Okay, I can respect that, but did it really take FIVE cruises to realize this?? Since we'd reserved a rather expensive stateroom (with a huge balcony!) this time, he felt that since cruising isn't his thing, it would be a waste of $$ for him to go with us. Fine. Just so you know, I (and my daughter) absolutely LOVE cruising. I mean, what's not to love? Being pampered for seven days? Someone else doing the cooking, cleaning, and making of the beds? Never hearing the words "Mom, I'm bored!"?? If he doesn't like that, well that's just his loss. I really wasn't alarmed that he didn't want to go with us because he doesn't get out much. More on that later.

Okay, back to the point. He left that night and I began my journey of rediscovery. I call it "re-"discovery because I think over the 17 years of our marriage I'd lost some of myself. In the few years before we married in 1993, I'd "discovered" myself for the first time in my life. I was about 34 years old when we met and had started having flashbacks of my childhood just a few years before. I was sexually, emotionally, verbally, and physically abused. It took me until I was in my early 30s to deal with it, and it was after going through two years of therapy that I was finally able to love myself and actually allow someone else to love me. That was S. Sheesh. But, that's enough of the woes of my childhood. I emerged a stronger and more self-confident woman and met the man I thought was "the love of my life." Yep, how's that for a cliche??

It's been a roller coaster since August 29. I've cried, I've felt relieved, I've been somewhat angry, and I've finally refound my focus--those first couple of weeks at work were difficult. Then, last Sunday evening I learned that S was having an affair. I hadn't really considered this much of a possibility since he's suffered from a major depressive disorder for many years. He didn't take showers for weeks on end and did pretty much nothing 98% of the time. How in hell could he be having an affair??? Well, it had started a few months before with his reconnection with a woman he'd known about 30 years ago. How did they reconnect? On Facebook. Gotta love social media, huh? While our darling daughter (known from here on as "DD") and I were on a much-needed vacation, he decided to travel to Texas and meet up with the ho. In short, he brought her back to Oregon and they started shacking up even before I set foot back on American soil. Learning of this affair just ripped everything open again. After three weeks, I'd started doing better. I hadn't cried in three days and I was actually feeling positive about life in general. Well, that was short-lived when one of my stepdaughters called me to tell me she'd learned of the affair. Wow.

S had known for 17 years that the worst thing he could do to me was to have an affair. And, that's just what he did. Where did all this hostility come from? Obviously, I'm going to need to delve into that to figure out what my part in this betrayal is, but I can say without reservation that I would not have ever done the same to him. Just ask him--he'll tell you I'm the most loyal and consistent person he's ever met. Ah well, a lot of good that did me.

Okay, I think that's as much as I can do for a first blog entry. I'll add more later and track the journey. I'm hoping this will help someone else who's going through a similar situation. If not, it may help me to just get it all out. If you've read this far, thank you.